Log in

User Profile
Caroline's Journal

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

[ << Previous 25 ]


  2011.09.10  07.24
Writer's Block: Blast to the past

If you could travel back in time, what would you tell your 10-year-old self?

To be extra kind and very loving to our Mother as well as appreciating everything she does and ensuring she knows it.
Not to to be scared.
Not to give our heart to anyone.
To run first time (that one tiny piece of advice would prevent years to of teasing, spiteful tormenting and general misery).
To avoid men called Jake and John at all costs.
To be less impulsive and think things through.
I would tell me NOT to get engaged in 2008 or married in 2009 as it will be for the wrong reasons.
I would also tell me that most of the decision I've made in my/our life have been the wrong ones so think long and hard at all times.
I would also warn myself to toughen up and grow some very thick skin as the next 24 years will be hell on earth.

Mood: contemplative

  2011.09.05  07.10

I woke in tears a few minutes ago. I sleep so much now that when I initially woke I couldn't remember if it was am or pm.

I am so unhappy. None of my friends have been in touch despite receiving texts from me. Every wasted day is just like the last - full of pain, sadness, frustration and the promise of endless days like it to follow.

I had a life once but I can barely remember that now. Now I have nothing to be proud of or look forward to, I am empty and pointless with nothing to offer friends, men or even employers it seems. I want an end to this poisonous misery, I want a job and a life and a reason to carry on.

Please do not feel obliged to comment offering lots of sympathy, that was not my intention for this letter, I just needed to get my feelings out asI feel so low that they were dragging me under.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


  2011.08.24  05.06

Although I miss my Dad as I said, it is wonderful to be able to walk around my flat at night when I can't sleep. I am unsettled yes but it will ease. As for my friends, they can do as they please, I'll not give my loyalty again so easily but I will be fine, I have always coped alone and enjoyed my independence so with or without them I will find happiness, one way or another, sooner or later.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


  2011.08.09  16.05

I see women and girls who are both younger and older than myself. They are slim, attractive, able-bodied, employed, active, have partners and look to be enjoying life. This is not me, I should be all these things but I never reach the minimum target. Friends tell me I'm just as good as everyone else but when push comes to shove I can't even walk.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


  2011.08.08  22.19

I feel very tired and upset. The riots in NE London have spread to Hackney where Mikey and I are. We are both afraid. Today was our last day together and we hoped to spend it having fun - not to be.
I feel tearful and drained as we both head to bed.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


  2011.07.25  01.29
How much longer?

The pain is very bad tonight, my right leg feels like it has an electric charge running through it, it's agony when I try to sit, stand or bend and my leg keeps giving way under me. I had reduced the MG of my codeine but it is no longer enough to control this.

This is what it felt like when the pain first started in my left leg, it was intolerable and I thought I was going to go mad. It does feel bad just now but maybe now it has passed I to my right leg too it will ease overall and go...maybe? Does that sound rational?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


  2010.08.19  17.37
Writer's Block: Working for a living

What is your ultimate dream job? Do you think you'll ever live the dream?

Either a photographer or something involving aromatherapy/flower remedies and massage. I am creative, passionate about photography and like to help people.


  2010.04.07  10.34
Not quite green fingers but perhaps a green pinky.

Grow my pretties!
Originally uploaded by Feyde
I just thought I would post a few of photo's from the easter weekend. I planted lots of sunflower seeds last week and noticed last night that a few of them have little shoots. I am really excited and hope I can grow at least some of them to full size. They are miniature sunflowers, our garden doesn't get enough sun for full size ones.
I also need to post the pics I took of the ivy cuttings I took from my wedding bouquet, although a couple of the stems are now looking a little worse for wear most of them are thrivng and have new stalks and leaves growing on them.

If you click on the image there are three pictures one of which is me having my Frappé Latté on Easter Monday. The weight loss is going so well that I didn't want to ruin it by gorging of choccy eggs so I opted for a coffee instead.

Not much else to say just now, still battling terrible depression and have re-doubled my efforts to find a job as I am certain getting ack to work will lift my spirits and improve Chrissy's mood no end.


  2009.04.05  10.06
How Big Is Your Ego?

Your Ego is Small
You are quite humble. You try not to spend too much time congratulating yourself.
You're proud of who you are, but you're also secure. You don't need to brag.

You see yourself and others in a pretty realistic way. You appreciate strengths and faults.
You respect people and believe that you can learn from them.

Mood: calm

  2009.01.29  06.19
Writer's Block: You Wouldn't Understand

Almost everyone coins or uses expressions that make sense to only a few people. What word or phrase do you use most often that you have to explain the meaning of to others?

I often use the term "Floopy" which I think was a Pheobe-ism (from Friends). When I say I feel "Floopy" it means I have an almost indescribable sense of restlessness and anxiety for no particular reason.

Another word I use which frequently causes quizzical frowns is "Sootica". It's a pet name I have for my brother which has become very useful in recent years as he and my Fiance are both called Chris!

"Sootica" was the name of a green-eyed witches cat in a series of audio books I used to listen to as a child. The main character was Sootica's brother, "Gobbilino" after whom the books were named was born with blue eyes and one white paw, when the which saw this she rejected him and he ran away to embark on various adventures and evetually achieved his dream to be a kitchen cat.

Mood: cheerful

  2009.01.14  09.16
Writer's Block: Tricky Questions

What is your first reaction when someone says "I need to talk to you"?

Anxious or concerned depending on who's saying it and how.

Mood: calm

  2009.01.10  09.18
The revenge of Ming The Merciless.

Having a bit of a Flash Gordon moment here, the sky and the light outside have been an odd mauve/lilac colour since dawn and now, despite the fact that it's almost 9:30am the sun still isn't up. The light is like that of an eerie dusk. Several people did tell me that the light in Scotland is very different and I have seen some quite beautiful examples of this at various times of day/year but nothing quite so definite as this. I am both impressed and spooked.

Mood: Spooked.

  2009.01.10  08.19
Writer's Block: Comfort Food

When times are tough or you're feeling down, what's the one food you can count on to make you feel better?

It really depends on what is getting me down - if I am really stressed after a shit day at work nothing calms me down like a whisky and ginger at the pub followed by the works at a good curry house however there are some things that only pizza and toblerone can sort and others that can simply be resolved by a steaming hot cup of tea with some good company. It's impossible to pin it down to just one thing.

Mood: busy

  2008.12.31  14.47
Farewell 2008 I can't say it's been a pleasure.

What's everyone doing for New Year tonight? I am off out for a quick drinkie with Flora and Cheryl at 4pm and when they head off to Thornhill for disco type things and I will come back here to assemble a prawn ring for Chrissy, cook a quiche and otherwise prepare nibbles for our mini "Good Riddance to 2008" party.

My skin looks oddly bronze, I think I will re-apply my war paint before I go out.

Mood: busy

  2008.12.24  15.17
Christmas nostalga.

"We're walking in the air, we're floating in the midnight skyeeeee......!!"

I'm watching The Snowman, did you guess?

Mood: nostalgic

  2008.12.23  16.44
I'd sigh with relief if my lungs didn't hurt so much.

My Dad and I have just returned from our final shopping trip of the year, we bought the last of the Christmas food, a trifle bowl and my Dad bought me a couple more pressies while I picked up a couple of things for Cheryl. The last 2 hours have been spent wrapping presents and curling ribbons while I forced my Dad to write gift tags. We are both very tired and haven't eaten all day, we're looking forward to going no further than the meadows to walk Gus tomorrow and relaxing on Christmas day (Chris is cooking the turkey dinner THANK GOD!). My left lung is inflamed from running around and taking preventative inhalers so the cats don't trigger any allergies and I am generally knackered, I am so glad we bought beer, vodka and whisky today, I am going to be needing a drink when the 800mg of ibuprofen I just took wears off.

How is everyone else doing with their yuletide plans and preprations?

Mood: drained

  2008.12.23  06.29
New Year Meme.

Quizzy MemenessCollapse )

Mood: calm

  2008.12.21  04.35

Every 30 minutes without fail I have to wee - BAH!

Mood: Cranky about weeing so much.

  2008.12.21  03.43

I turned in at around 1am and gave up trying to sleep about 10 minutes ago. I am now watching festive tunes and Christmas number 1's on MTV/VH1. Bit fed up about this, I was doing so well with my sleeping, I wasn't getting as many hours as I'd like per night but it was usually at least 5 and I was often sparko by midnight. I really hope I can get this under control buy Monday as I have loads to do with my Dad and I CANNOT be awake when Santa comes, he won't leave me any presents. I have a fair bit to do today and on Monday which will require me being up by 10 at the latest on both days so I think that should sort my sleep routine out even if it does mean having to tolerate some pretty severe tiredness for 12 hours or so - I've done worse, I just wish I could stop pissing, I hate water retention.

Mood: awake

  2008.12.12  11.27
Writer's Block: Coast Range

If you had to choose, would you rather live in the mountains or by the ocean?

I live in the mountains and I love it, just looking out of the window makes me feel at peace and very, very fortunate. It's always nice to have a day by the sea but I do feel terribly exposed if on the coast for too long especially at night in fact I get rather freaked out on a beach after dark! For me the mointains are safe.


  2008.12.09  17.23

I GOT THE JOB! Someone has finally offered me a job and it's one I really want. I am so pleased and my relief is two fold as I finally managed to locate my passport this afternoon as well.

Can a I get a HURRAAH?!

Mood: ecstatic

  2008.12.06  12.27
The Snowman.

After my feeling so low on Thursday Chris has been making a visible effort to cheer me up which included him making me a snowman of my very own.....

My Little Snow FriendCollapse )

Mood: chipper

  2008.12.05  05.37
Yuletide Blues.

I was up at 4am again today primarily though because I needed to iron a couple of shirts for Chris and do some clearing up before I have to leave for my appointment and interview just before 10am, to be honest I am just wanting to get this over-with now and I am dreading the 2 hours waiting around I might have to face between appointments.

Yesterday did not go as planned. We were due to put the Christmas decorations up when we returned home from town but Chris flew into such a strop about money when I bought some stamps (I don't know how else he thinks we are going to send Christmas cards, we don't have a carrier pigeon) which made me feel rather low which in turn sent my mood spiralling to the point where everything was getting to me, I was missing my Mum so much and really wishing it wasn't Christmas. I can't really put my finger on what was upsetting me so much, I think it was just a mixture of things primarily just wishing some (not all) things were the way they were thins time last year when I could afford to buy.....everything I needed really, I didn't need to ask my fiance for money to buy stamps and I wasn't afraid to bring up the topic for fear of him going into one either and obviously my Mum was still here. Anyway, needless to say by the time we arrived back home I was in no mood to decorate the tree or hang decorations and now Chris isn't off work for another 7 days which also means I am back to being on my own again. All I can do now is try to keep my spirits up and do my very best at this interview today. I need this job so very much.

Mood: But fed up.

  2008.12.04  08.13

Woke up stupidly early again and finally gave up trying to get back to sleep at 3am. I've been watching Doctor Who on iplayer again as well as fussing the cat and drinking tea while I wait for the rest of the world to wake up, I don't mind the early hours so much, it's very quiet and peaceful but what I do find so frustrating is waiting for someone else to get up so I can have a conversation or get on with my day, thankfully Chris is up and about now and it's his day off so we are heading into Stirling soon for grocery shopping and messages which will make a nice change from being stuck in here, I must remember so buy the Christmas Radio Times so I can be really sad one evening and circle all the programs I want to see over xmas/new year plus despite buying 42 cards for friends and family this year I have run out three quarters of the way through my list so some more glittery christmas greetings are in order I think.

It seems to have snowed again overnight which I am thrilled about as we're putting the Christmas tree and decorations up this afternoon and nothing makes you feel more festive while decking the halls than an open fire and snowy scenes outside the window. Of course there is the small matter of the lost passport to deal with but I am not going to let that ruin the day, we will have a good look for it then report it lost if it's not found, end of. I have been working really hard to prepare for this interview, it's a really nice job with great money and benefits, I don't want to mes it up by getting all stressed over something that is fixable.

Anyway, I have no doubt I will return later to post lots of tedious photo's of my Christmas decs you poor, poor people. x

Mood: cheerful

  2008.12.03  06.05

Slept quite well last night, Scattipotimus woke me up at a quarter past five demanding to be fed but at last I had a good five hours.

I got a bit weepy last night while chatting to my Dad, everything just seemed to get on top of me at once; Christmas, wedding pressure from Chrissy's family, Mum's will, being on my own so much and a million other little things I can do nothing about he listened and reassured me till I felt a bit better then I headed off to bed at about midnight. Only another 19 days til he gets here.

In other, potentially exciting news I have a job interview on Friday, the original time they gave me clashed with my hospital appointment but I managed to re arrange it so I can go to my appointment first then on to my interview, it's not ideal but I'll have to make do as both are very important.

Finally, I just watched an episdoe of Doctor Who called "Blink" on BBC iplayer and it scared the crap out of me - HORRID!

I should shift my arse, Chris needs a pair on trousers ironing for work.

Mood: scared

[ << Previous 25 ]